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Divorce is a complex and uncertain process and, regardless of your motivations, it is not about winning or losing. It involves facing the often harsh reality that dreams of a future life imagined on your wedding day are now shattered. Often it is easy to get caught up in the “he said, she said” blame game.
Divorce instead provides a sliding-door moment, where new opportunities, exploration, and fresh discovery await on the other side.
The question often asked is how to navigate from a state of emotion and grief to being ready to look ahead.
The business of divorce
The first step is to understand that divorce is a transitional process, moving your family from one household to two. Most divorces involve three key components: co-parenting arrangements, financial settlements, and divorce paperwork. How you navigate these components will significantly impact your long-term relationship with your former partner, especially if you will continue to co-parent. The more acrimonious, time-consuming and short-sighted each party is, the more fractured the relationship will be.
The grief process
Whether you decided to leave the relationship or not, there is a grief process that needs to be recognised and understood. Even the person who chooses to leave experiences grief, though they may have a head start in processing it.
The other spouse will often feel abandoned or blindsided. Which can lead to denial about the end of the relationship and holding hope of reconciliation. This is a dangerous place to sit.
Those first few days and weeks are vital.
As a specialist divorce financial planner, I am often contacted well before the trigger is pulled, and in some cases, before they are sure they want to end the relationship. The questions we explore in meetings are often focused on understanding the divorce process and what level of financial security will be possible.
What will they be able to afford to spend on a new home? What will their new household budget look like? What financial risks do they face? Which assets should they focus on maintaining? Will they be financially secure today and in the long term?
My role extends beyond answering these questions; it involves preparing my clients for the transition by building a vault of key financial documents, defining their contributions, understanding current concerns and exploring future needs. If my client is the one who pulls the trigger, when they do, they are fully prepared. This might seem unfair, but it is also about ensuring my clients have a deep understanding and respect the feeling of overwhelm that their soon-to-be former spouse is about to experience.
I am preparing my clients to provide space and time to allow the person they once loved to catch up with the grief process. Importantly, it is also about helping to set the tone where respect is nurtured and my client takes responsibility for their reactions.
It is also just as common for me to be the first phone call someone makes after their spouse has blindsided them with the decision to end the relationship. My role in this case is to help my client regulate their emotions while catching up on the key steps they need to take to protect their future financial security.
After over a decade of helping individuals and couples navigate divorce, I’ve found that nearly every client is surprised by two key aspects.
Setting boundaries
The first is the importance of setting new boundaries. Most relationships break down due to poor communication and personal boundaries being broken. One party may have been more dominant in decision-making or more financially confident, which, unfortunately, I see all too often, led to domestic violence or financial abuse in the relationship.
If you maintain the same behaviour in the relationship during the divorce, it will result in more significant tensions and long-term regret about agreements made.
I have seen so many people say, “I just want this to be over”, “I will never get anything” or “they have all the control”.
My role is to help support these clients in finding a path forward, understanding their value, and, most importantly, showing them why it is essential for them to stand strong. They are 50% in control of how the divorce process goes. This is a joint transaction.
Choice in the type of divorce
The second surprise aspect is the wide range of processes you can choose from to reach your financial and co-parenting agreements.
- The kitchen table negotiation or informal arrangement
- Family Dispute Resolution process
- Mediation, with the assistance of professionals.
- Lawyer negotiations through letters
- Collaborative Divorce
- Litigation through the court
Each of these options has its own pros and cons. However, selecting the wrong one could have serious consequences, including how much capital gains tax needs to be paid or stamp duty on the home.
Building your divorce team
For me, success in a divorce outcome is reliant on having a team of experts by your side. Yes, I will always say we need a lawyer; they are critical to ensuring you understand your rights and are a fantastic sounding board.
As a financial adviser, I might be biased. However, navigating a financial settlement without financial advice is like throwing a dart at a target with a blindfold on. I spend a considerable amount of time stressing this importance to family lawyers, who often focus on percentages and dollars. A financial planner can put these arbitrary numbers through a reality check and assist in taking the emotion out of the negotiations. A collaborative divorce negotiation may be able to offer creative solutions with the division of assets – about the value people are really seeking from splitting property. A collaborative divorce isn’t for everyone – people must be prepared to be open to negotiation.
Other key members of your divorce team could include a mortgage broker, real estate agent, forensic accountant, divorce coach, child consultant, psychologist or in the case of a collaborative divorce, a coach to guide you and your former spouse through the entire process.
Summary
Navigating a divorce is undoubtedly challenging, but with the right support and preparation, it can also be a time of new beginnings and opportunities. By understanding the process, setting boundaries, and building a strong support team, you can move forward with confidence and clarity.
The Money & Life website is operated by the Financial Advice Association (FAAA). The views expressed in this article are those of the author and not those of the FAAA. The FAAA does not endorse or otherwise assume responsibility for any financial product advice which may be contained in the article. Nor does it endorse or assume responsibility for the information accessible via any links provided in the article. Please consider seeking advice from a qualified professional to ascertain how the information in this article and the links provided may relate to you.
